you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
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