oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
