I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
