So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
