I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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