Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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