i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
