dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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