if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
