there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
