I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
