nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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