What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize