it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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