Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We left the knife in your bed.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
