just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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