just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Randomize
