I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
