I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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