Yo dont text me then not text me
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I need a beard to bite.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
