I'm so fucking centered right now
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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