She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My cat gives me a boner
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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