Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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