so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
