I accidentally burped into my bong.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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