my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
