everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
