The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
