My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
