i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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