That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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