You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
A+ Viking dick
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
