"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
