My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
is wine microwaveable?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
