he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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