You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
