he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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