You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I want a musical about memes.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
