Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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