I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
