i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you will always have a special place in my vag
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
