My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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