you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
