it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Drunk is not a location!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
