Pregnant stripper...not hot.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
