I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
