I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Drunk is a universal language darling
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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