I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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