i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
