just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
