I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I believe in your delicious
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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