i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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