It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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