i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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