Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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