We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
