upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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